It’s understandable. You don’t want to cross that line. Maybe you’re afraid of what you’ll become. But without making that leap, you won’t get to where you’re trying to go. No one wants to harbor anger and hatred in their hearts and I don’t think that’s what you want from your art. I don’t think your art is asking that of you either.
What your art most certainly is asking of you is for conviction. Conviction in what you are doing, conviction in your actions, conviction to the moment. It asks you to give yourself over so that movement, thought and action act from the same place. Some people would say to be “whole” or “unified” or in “oneness.”
Well, yes, of course. Why be speak so tritely. How else is there to act?
When your teacher tells you they suggest you do something, they’re not suggesting at all. Saying “I suggest,” is simple courtesy, a small gesture allowing you some face. When they tell you you should work on something, work on it. When they show you a technique, they’re not asking you to do it similarly, they’re asking you to strive to do it exactly. Listen kids, hearing isn’t even half the battle—and thinking about doing—that’s the detriment.
Do. Practice. When you’re unable to practice specifically then think strategically and intelligently. Ask yourself why you were asked to perform a technique in that manner. It doesn’t matter if YOU are right or wrong–stop thinking about you; it’s about WHY. Why the technique was designed that way and whether or not you can replicate it intelligently.
Re-engineer it. Don’t parrot. What are the mechanics? What are the advantages? What subtleties are you missing and why is it important to extract them? Simply thinking from the limited view of right and wrong will generally bring you dismay.
Of course I’m doing the technique right, because how could I be wrong?
Of course I’m doing it wrong because I’m never capable of doing things right.
See how futile these lines of thinking are? Just do. With conviction.
So perhaps you have to tap into that anger. More likely than not you need to face the fear. And you do that by becoming something greater than the idea of yourself. Because in the end, you’re really nothing. Does that make you angry? Good. Let’s start there. Get angry. Blind yourself a moment so you’re no longer muddled by you. How? For one, don’t just hear your teacher. Listen.
Or as my teacher says: Practice without expectation.
[ PLE ] 